Overcoming Judgmental Attitudes

Written by Becca Cipriani

This article is courtesy of

HomeLife.

Why is it that we find ourselves so easily
judging other people?

 Perhaps it’s easy to judge others simply because it feels good to feel superior. Maybe it’s because that person’s particular sin is something we can’t relate to. Or maybe it’s because another’s sin is something we can relate to — all too well — and we want somehow to deflect the guilt away from ourselves.

Consider the air of moral superiority that the Pharisees, who were the religious leaders, showed as they approached Jesus in the temple courts, dragging the adulterous woman with them. Picture the episode in John 8: Jesus is sitting in the temple, teaching a large assembly. A group of Pharisees enters. The men create quite a scene as they break up the sermon and stand the woman in the middle of the crowd, making sure everyone can see what’s going on.

“Teacher,” they declare, “this woman was caught in the act of committing adultery. In the law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do You say?”

Jesus bends down and writes with His finger in the dirt. Feeling indignant and superior, the Pharisees continue to badger Him. Jesus stands and says, “The one without sin among you should be the first to throw a stone at her.”

Note what happens in John 8:9, following Jesus’ reply: “When they heard this, they left one by one.” It seems Christ’s words broke up the collective mind-set intent on judgment, giving the mob an individual sense of what each person was responsible for.

After the Pharisees walk away, only Jesus and the woman are left. She doesn’t flee when her original accusers leave; instead, she waits for the judgment of the One whose authority far surpasses theirs.

Unlike the mob, Jesus offers forgiveness. Unlike the mob, Jesus acknowledges the woman’s value as a child of God.

Mob Mentality
We join “The Superiors Club” every time we look down on someone else. And we’re not content simply to keep our thoughts to ourselves — we like to share them with fellow club members.

Hear the other “superiors” chiming in? See them nodding their agreement? Isn’t it nice to have support? Too bad it’s with a crowd of accusers who will, whenever you do something against club rules, turn unforgivingly and unflinchingly on you.

Each of us has, at one time or another, joined the mob of stone throwers. But in truth, much of our judgment is based on personal tastes, which we treat as “absolute biblical directives,” according to Kassian.

We need Jesus to remind us it’s not our “group standard” that measures a person; it’s His standard. Focusing on His standard removes us from our self-appointed seats of superiority and back down to level ground where God shows us we’re all individuals with one Standard Setter.

As James 4:12 says, “There is one lawgiver and judge who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?”

Taming the Pharisee
It is difficult to keep God’s standard as the flashing banner in our heads when our own standard is such an intoxicating mix of awareness (Can you believe he did that?) and blindness (I’ve never done anything like that … well, I’ve done other things, but everyone does those).

So how do we tame our inner Pharisee? Consider the wisdom of basic shampooing instructions: Wash, rinse, repeat.

1. Make a Choice. “Overcoming a critical attitude requires repeated efforts,” Kassian says. There’s no one-time quick fix; we have to pounce on our judgmental tendencies every day and pray for help in overcoming them. Otherwise, they creep back into the driver’s seat and steer us around.

We choose each day whom we will serve: the Pharisee or the Father. Then we choose again each time judgmental thoughts pop up.

2. Confess Your Sin. Once you decide to overcome your judgmental tendencies, recognize and confess your own sin to God. Then realize you are confessing your sin against God.

You may have thought you were sinning solely against the recipient of your unkind thoughts or words. But David modeled a different understanding in Psalm 51: “Be gracious to me, God ... I am conscious of my rebellion, and my sin is always before me. Against You — You alone — I have sinned … .“

Dr. Craig Barnes, author of Hustling God (Zondervan) and professor at Pittsburgh Theological Seminary, says, “We may hurt others, but our true guilt, the core of all sin, is that we have hurt our relationship to God.”

“But what about … ?” we sputter like a boat motor coming to life. Yes, people fall short of God’s ideal, and you have the discernment to see that. But regardless of what people do, you still need to be aware of two things: your own sin and your attitude toward others — are you praying for them or for their downfall?

3. Live With Grace. The problem with our judgmental stone throwing is ultimately that “Rocks don’t hit sin. Rocks hit people,” writes Nicole Johnson, author of Dropping Your Rock (Thomas Nelson).

“Our rocks will never change the world, only pockmark it with hate and fear,” she continues.

If you’re serious about wanting to overcome judgmentalism, try living with an attitude of grace, recognizing that all people are created and loved by God. As your merciful Father has shown grace to you, show His grace to others. When facing the adulterers, thieves, murderers, pro-choicers, homosexuals, immodest dressers, (yes, everyone), show grace.

That means recognizing and forgiving the humanity of others. It means hating the sin but not the sinner.

For those weary of this oft-quoted phrase, take a whiff of C.S. Lewis’ explanation: “For a long time I used to think this [phrase] a silly, straw-splitting distinction: How could you hate what a man did and not hate the man? But years later it occurred to me that there was one man to whom I had been doing this all my life — namely myself. However much I might dislike my own cowardice or conceit or greed, I went on loving myself. … In fact, the very reason why I hated the things [I had done] was that I loved the man. … [Christianity] does want us to hate [others’ sins] in the same way in which we hate things in ourselves: being sorry that the man should have done such things, and hoping if it is anyway possible, that somehow, sometime, somewhere, he can be cured and made human again.”

Throw the Stones Away
No one knows if the Pharisees had stones ready to throw at the adulterous woman when they approached Jesus at the temple. But many of us do lug our “stones” around day after day. Only ours take the form of thoughts and words — caustic comments, snide remarks, even “prayer requests.”

Take time to empty your hands, being aware of when you eagerly reach down to grasp even a pebble to hurl at another person. Instead of pelting her, pray for her and for yourself, that you would relinquish your judgmental attitude and that God would continually remind you of His grace and mercy in your life.

Blending Lives Late in Life

Written by Dr. Polly Cooper Brow

This article is courtesy of

Mature Living.

Question: Six months ago when I married a widower whom I have known most of my life, we agreed that we would occupy the house where he has lived for almost 40 years. He said that I could do anything I wanted to the house to make it a place that we both would enjoy. However, he is critical and unhappy with any change I make. How can I make him understand that I want to make a new home for us, instead of just managing his house for him?

Answer: Blending lives late in life is often not an easy task. Most of us have grown comfortable with our own way of living and, therefore, believe it is the right way. Days of courtship, even in our 70s, often are pleasant interludes before the realities of day-to-day living begin.

This phase of a new relationship requires much more negotiating and compromise than you might have expected.

When you discussed this matter prior to your marriage, he probably thought he was quite willing for you to make changes that would create a home for the two of you. Apparently, he did not realize how the changes would affect him. His behavior suggests that he is very uncomfortable with what is happening.

Have you tried to discuss your husband’s discomfort with him? I would encourage you to try to understand what he is thinking and feeling. When he feels understood, he may be willing to consider your point of view and work toward a solution that is good for both of you.

It’s possible that your husband is unclear about why he is disturbed by the changes you are making. Can you gently encourage him to look a little deeper than his chair being moved to identify how that makes him feel? The two of you may need to discuss these things with a third party. Do you have a wise friend who could help you with such a discussion? Could you meet with a pastor who is skilled in counseling? Having someone to guide both of you as you think through these matters can be very valuable.

I would also suggest that you spend some time privately considering your own thoughts and feelings. Could it be that you think your husband cares more about the house than he cares about you? Do you feel that you are competing with his deceased wife? My guess is that the conflict you are experiencing is not about the things you do to the house, but rather the way you feel about the relationship. Try to clearly understand your own thoughts and feelings so that you can share them in a meaningful, nonaccusatory way when you have the opportunity.

Marriage late in life can be meaningful and satisfying, but it takes time, energy, and commitment to make it work well.

Dr. Polly Cooper Brown is a retired psychologist now residing in Hot Springs Village, Ark.

Coping with Elder Spouse’s Outbursts of Anger

Written by Dr. Polly Cooper Brown

This article is courtesy of

Mature Living.

Dear Dr. Brown: Because of health problems, my husband is no longer able to drive. Most of the time he accepts that he is dependent on me to transport him. But there are times when he becomes very angry with me and acts as if it is my fault that he is so confined. How can I deal with his anger?

Answer: The problem you describe is not uncommon as married couples begin to experience serious health problems. The tension between the desire to maintain independence and acceptance of limitations is severe. The struggle is difficult for both partners and can easily lead to outbursts of anger.

When your husband’s outbursts occur, it is very important that you remain as objective as possible. Understand that while his anger is directed at you, in all probability you are not the real reason for it. Your husband’s remarks are more a statement about how he feels than about you.

Do not let yourself be pulled into an argument. Don’t try to explain the circumstances logically. In times of high emotions, logic gets lost and often fuels extended, heated, inappropriate discussion.

When outbursts occur, get a grip on your own emotions and say something like, “I can see how frustrated you are right now, and I’m sorry that things are this way. Maybe we can talk about it later when you feel better.” If your husband is unwilling to discontinue the conversation, leave the room to busy yourself with another activity. Make it clear that you will not continue to listen to accusing or abusive comments.

Hopefully, this kind of response will diminish and calm the outburst. However, it probably will not keep you from having hurt feelings and sadness about your own circumstances. So, how do you comfort yourself?

Remind yourself that your husband has major health problems that have permanently changed his life. Imagine how you might feel if you were in his place. I am not suggesting that you should take abuse just because he is frustrated. I am suggesting that when you have withdrawn from the conflict, focus on what it must be like to be in your husband’s situation, not on what he should or shouldn’t have done. Remember that his remarks are much more about himself than about you. Perhaps thinking thoughts like these will help you to let go of some of the hurt.

It might be helpful to discuss this behavior with your physician. Medications can exacerbate irritableness. It is also probable that your husband is experiencing some level of depression. Your physician could offer treatment, if needed.

Finally, find someone to talk with about your experiences. It might be your pastor or a trusted, mature Christian. If you have access to a professional counselor, consider contacting that person.

Let me encourage you to take steps to help you cope better. It will benefit both you and your

Dr. Polly Cooper Brown is a retired psychologist now residing in Hot Springs Village, Ark.